Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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