got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
