I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Randomize
