Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
