I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
