If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
