At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
