Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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