we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
