do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
