haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
