Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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