Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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