Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
