i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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