I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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