I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
