my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
