I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
