I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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