the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
