well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
