I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
