he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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