I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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