I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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