Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
