sarcasm needs its own font
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
