a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.