what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed