She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!