The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads