1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today