i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
