how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
