What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have feelings that need drinking.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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