Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
