I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
