I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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