you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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