I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
