i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
