he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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