You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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