Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
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Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
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the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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