This is not my ceiling
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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