Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
