my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
