Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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