so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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