I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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