she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
