just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
