meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
