I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
