I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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