Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
