Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
