Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
