i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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