I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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