just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
