I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
