Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
